Doctor Noize (hereafter referred to as “Artist”) is a simple man and his performance-day needs are spartan. He respectfully requests that You (hereafter referred to as “Venue”) provide One of the following Two Performance Day Environments below. Please choose the Performance Environment which best meets your resources:
Performance Environment #1…
Artist requires a bowl full of 25-50 M&M’s with all the green ones removed. Please do not place less than 25 M&M’s, as anything less does not give Artist the required energy to perform; and please do not place more than 50, as this gives Artist a blistering tummy ache when he performs. Please ensure that the candy in the bowl is not upside down so Artist does not mistake them for W&W’s.
Artist requires a 1/8 lb. gluten-free bran muffin (whatever that means) and ice tea with a dash of 1/4 cut lime (not lemon please) served and prepared no lower than 61 degrees and no higher than 65 degrees. Doctor Noize Inc. offers participating venues a beverage temperature range instead of a set temperature so as not to inconvenience you.
Please set the Green Room Television Set to TV Land reruns of The Cosby Show (or played from a Season 3 DVD if the show’s not being broadcast at that time in this state), so that Artist may take the important step of reawakening his family values before the show.
Please inform all venue employees and attending children not to engage the Artist while he is meditating directly before or after the show, as he can become unwieldy when disturbed in such a state.
Finally, Artist requires three bottles of Schlitz Malt Liquor (the kind they don’t manufacture anymore, from a vintage online store — not the new version) in the Green Room before the show. Because he is a giver, Artist will share this beverage with two lucky soccer mom sweepstakes winners of his choosing. Artist prefers to get a little buzz going to free him up before performing family shows — a little technique he learned years back while interning for Fred Rogers.
Thank you in advance for your precise attention to these matters. It will be a pleasure working with you.
Performance Environment #2…
If you or your organization is having difficulty securing any of the above items, in lieu of Performance Environment #1, if you could just provide a three-prong plug power outlet and a bottled water, Artist and Audience alike will be ready to rock. Cheers!