Welcome to the Holiday Bailout This Month Only! Total Sales Guy edition of the Noizeletter. The Top Five Noizy Thingz…

1) Get Yer Signed Holiday Gift Packs!

The holidays are fast approaching. Happy Christmas-Hannukah-Chanukah-Monica-Kwanzobama-Thanksgiving-NewYear’sEve-NewYear’sDay-Easter. (I figured while I was holiday housecleaning, I’d just throw Easter out there too, and then we don’t have to address it in March. Amen.) In any event, we’ve gotchya covered for yer holiday gift needs. You can order products individually… But wait, there’s more! That’s right, for this month only, order the Doctor Noize Triple Play Pack (a CD, book and shirt) and they’ll be signed by both Doctor Noize and illustrator Christian Lowe at no extra cost. That’s right, make all their (insert appropriate holiday here) dreams come true. Ain’t you The Santa? (Unless, of course, your family doesn’t hang with Santa, in which case… Ain’t you Not The Santa?)

2) Earn A Free Doctor Noize Mini Concert At YOUR Home!

The second über promotion this month is even more exciting than the first one. I know you didn’t think that was possible. But we’re all wrong sometimes. And that’s okay. You won’t mind when you find out why. Are you ready? Here’s how it works: For this month only, personally recommend a Doctor Noize show to your child’s favorite family venue or school, then contact us to let us know you did it. We’ll follow up with them the next business day. If the show gets booked, Doctor Noize will perform a Free Book Reading & Acoustic Mini Concert at your house for your kids and their friends when I’m in town. You will instantly become the coolest parents in town. And that’s groovy, baby. As are you. Yeah baby. You know it. Groove on.

3) Hear The Noizelets’ Radio Show!

My daughters Sidney and Riley (6 and almost 4) were invited to join me as guests of The Kids Show! on KRFC FM last month. My girls DJ’d their favorite music on air for a full hour, discussing their choices with host Chris Maldonado and singing along. Listen to the full show to hear Sidney and Riley introduce you to Doctor Noize, Mozart, James Brown, their Daddy’s soundtrack compositions, Mussorgsky, Andy Z, Howard Jones, and the Beatles. The show is super fun and gives a glimpse of some of the diverse music we listen to in the Noize household and how we approach studying and appreciating music. We closed the show performing a few Doctor Noize songs live in the studio. Kudos to KRFC FM — what a great concept for a radio show!

4) Rohan Rocks!

The Noizemaker Of The Month is Rohan Anand from Bellevue, Washington. Rohan’s Mom / Personal Assistant Kim emailed stories about him — read one at the top of the Buzz page. I responded by summoning upon my years of childhood education expertise to tell Rohan that he rocks. A day later, Kim emailed again: “So, after your last email I of course passed on the message. The next day, Rohan says to me ‘I’m going to be a rock.” I had no idea what he was talking about until he made some comment about Dr. Noize. (We then had a little discussion about what it means “to rock” :)” Rock on, Rohan! And this month’s Noizemaker Runner-Up is Sarah Palin, who’s still making national noize two weeks after the election. You go girl!

5) Justin Roberts Shout-Out!

Acclaimed family musician Justin Roberts is playing in my childhood hometown Sunday. Justin is a fantastically witty and deservedly famous family musician who, for no other reason than having a big heart, was very supportive with sound advice to Doctor Noize when I launched. Other artists in this business have been similarly supportive of my work as Doctor Noize. In short: Support family musicians! They’re good people doing worthwhile things. You can start by going to one of Justin’s shows. My daughter and I saw one and loved it.

Thanks for yer support from yer buddy for life,

Doctor Noize

P.S. Mussorgsky rocks.
P.P.S. The Beatles and James Brown are classics.

What’s the difference between a hockey pig and a mom?* Here are the Top Five Noizy Thingz…

1) Catch The Internet Radio Broadcast!

Mark your calendars for The Kids Show on November 2nd at 6 PM EST, a Colorado radio program broadcast live worldwide on the web. We’ll play Doctor Noize songs and — get this — my Noizelet daughters will be discussing and sharing some of THEIR favorite music by other artists and composers! I’m actively lobbying Sidney to choose Shatner’s “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” cover. And it is no technical exaggeration to state that Riley is about to become a 3-year-old musiciologist whose musical tastes and insights are broadcast live worldwide.

2) Children’s Music Web Finalist!

Phineas McBoof is a finalist for the Best Recording For School Age Children award! This is the last award it’ll be up for — we’ve gotten great PR and won’t be paying more submission fees for competitions. We’ll spend that money instead on future products, signed Ringo Starr E-Bay memorabilia, and daily overnight mail love proclamations to Rick Astley. Thanks to all who’ve been so supportive. Only a few of you have truly thought I sucked, and only one of you actually used that suckiness as an invitation to write the “it sounds just like noise” criticism my moniker begs for. Being a musician named Doctor Noize is not unlike running for President under the name Albert Qaeda, so I thank you for your amazing restraint…

3) Weldon Dodd Is Noizemaker Of The Month!

Weldon Dodd, who has more children than hair follicles on his head, has been my buddy since kindergarten. Check out our website and I dare you to tell me it isn’t SICK — and I mean in the young hip urban celebratory sense of the word, as Weldon used in a recent email to me and his other Homeyz: “My Hello Kitty cleats are SICK!” As Doctor Noize’s webmaster, Weldon has donated hundreds of hours to create a site that clearly reflects the love of the game more than “just another job.” Thanks Weldon.

4) My Last Young Birthday!

October 30 is my last birthday as a young man. I’ll be… 29. (One of those digits is accurate.) Here’s my wish list… A new guitar; a very special private one-act play by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen; a bikini thong actually worn by Dick Cheney; a video of future Senator Obama biting the head off a live bat at an Ozzy Osbourne concert in 1986; a brain upgrade; an all-expense paid trip to Thelonious; your help booking a show at your kid’s favorite venue; and a gigantamous angel investor capital injection into Pictoria Creations. (Note: You don’t have to give ALL those things yourself; just pick one.) Ask yer kids what they’d get Doctor Noize for his birthday and post it in the forum. The top answer gets published.

5) The Part Where I Act Like Your Mother & Repeat My Advice!

You youngsters remember to buy yer tickets in advance for the Bus Barn show in Los Altos this weekend! I’ve told you every Bus Barn show has sold out, yet there are always a few people who show up the day of the event upset they can’t get into the first show. So eat yer vegetables and get yer tickets in advance! If there’s a huge influx of folks at the door, we’ll add a second show at 11 AM.

Thanks for yer support from yer buddy for life,

Doctor Noize

P.S. I’ve heard rumors that some of you will be writing in “Doctor Noize” for the Presidential election.
P.P.S. I think this is a really bad idea, and it would definitely slow down album production.

* It’s a rhetorical question, actually. Sorry for the confusion.

1) Reunion Show!

I’m really excited about a show next month in my California hometown on the morning of my 10th high school reunion. Oh wait, I mean my 15th. Hold on a second — it looks like it’s my 20th. Noizemakers, that means this is my last high school reunion that won’t be attended primarily by old people. (That’s right, you heard me, fortysomethings — don’t go whining to me in letters, it is what it is and you wear it well.) So I’m gonna party it up that day. I have already heard from a lot of people from my past who will be in town and attending this show. We’ve sold out the Bus Barn Theater in Los Altos every time I’ve played it, so get your tickets online early and often here.

2) Noizemakers Of The Month!

Lauren and Henry Anderson of Eugene, Oregon are September’s Noizemakers Of The Month! They’ve been super cool Doctor Noize fans since even before the national release of “The Ballad Of Phineas McBoof,” back when they (and I) lived in the San Francisco Bay Area. So I was really excited to receive a package in the mail from them with photocopies of the stories they created with the Doctor Noize Learning Adventure #1. Here’s to Henry and his new member of the International Band Of Misunderstood Geniuses, Stiggly The Gray Crab! And thanks to Lauren for her new character, Belle The White Seal Pup! Ten bucks to the first kid who sends me a story about Booger The Snotty Green Rottweiler.

3) Phineas Joins The Bundesliga!

A Noizemaker emailed and brought Doctor Noize’s German Amazon page to my attention. Ausgezeichnet! If they love it in Germany, it’s gotta be good, because The Hoff (February 2008’s Noizemaker Of The Month) is huge in Germany. I have even received a wonderfully astute album review from a German Noizemaker, which you can find by searching for the word “German” on the Buzz page.

4) Other Website Pages You’ve Never Visited…

And speaking of pages on doctornoize.com you never visit… Check out all the full-length Doctor Noize articles that are now accessible on the Awards & Articles page. To the best of my knowledge, most of the people who wrote these reviews and articles were totally sober at the time. Even better, as far as I know not a single one of them is a blood relative, unless you consider Darwinist theory and go way, way back, in which case even a modern day salamander who wrote a positive article about Doctor Noize could be accused of cronyism.

5) Booking Contact Info!

Please note that to book Doctor Noize, you can now contact my fantastic Business & Sales (B.S.) Director Lynn Woods directly. Her contact info is posted at the Contact page, where company founder Cory Cullinan has been demoted to “President, Marketing Director & Naive Dreamer” — a figurehead title devoid of any real job responsibilities if there ever was one. Frankly, he was a bit of dead weight in the sales department anyway, and it’s good to see we’re upgrading to a more professional sales staff with Lynn. For example, she doesn’t start most phone conversations with: “Waaazzzuuuppp?”

Thanks for yer support from yer buddy for life,

Doctor Noize

P.S. “Waaazzzuuuuuppp?” backwards is “Pppuuuuuzzzaaaw?”
P.P.S. Remove yourself from the mailing list by responding “Doktor Noize kann nicht singen!” Danke. Vielen Dank.

1) Doctor Noize Headlines The NewWestFest This Weekend!

Doctor Noize is the Kids Music Adventure headliner at NewWestFest this weekend, a big music festival in Fort Collins, CO. Grammy winner Taj Mahal and Little Feat will also perform. Here’s the best part: All the shows — by all artists — are free. So come out and get yo boogie down.

2) Doctor Noize Lauded By Grammy.com!

Grammy.com — the web home of the Grammies and the folks at the National Association of Recording Arts & Sciences — published an article last month praising Doctor Noize for the educational value of my recordings and shows and dedication to charitable causes. Who do they think I am, Bono or something? I didn’t know the Grammy folks even knew who I was. If I had known that, I would’ve submitted my CD for last year’s Grammy awards. Do me a favor please and don’t tell them what a moron I am. Thank you so much. You’re a pal.

3) My First Place Award In An International Song Competition!

“A Little Extra” (from my adult album My Oyster) won first place in 2008’s WCS International Song Contest. This is hilarious on several levels: (1) It’s not exactly a new song that was released this year (or this century)… (2) It was entered in the “Pop” category because I felt it had the most simple and mainstream sound of all the songs on that album. But it was recategorized by the competition’s judges into the “Miscellaneous” category (where all the eccentric songs go), which it promptly won. If that doesn’t say anything about my naively obstinate attempts to impose adventurous music on the mainstream public, I don’t know what does. Finally…

4) “Don’t Be Silly” Is Almost But Not Quite An Award Winning Song!

I also submitted Doctor Noize songs to the competition. They didn’t win jack squat (a technical term in the music world roughly translated as “anything”). But “Don’t Be Silly” was given an Honorable Mention, a distinction not unlike being “the guy the girl you like would go out with if she wasn’t going out with the guy she really wants to go out with.” So congratulations to me. Or not. In that spirit, Dave Wooldridge at eButterfly of Marina del Rey, CA is this month’s Noizemaker Of The Month Runner-Up for his generous work on doctornoize.com. Almost congratulations, Dave! You were not quite honored on the Doctor Noize website that you helped improve this summer. That must almost make you feel great! (Sorry, no Silver medals here.)

5) And The Gold Goes To… My New Business & Sales (B.S.) Director!

My new B.S. Director is Lynn Woods! I’m grateful to the many fantastic applicants for the job. Lynn’s a dedicated music lover — ask her how many times she’s seen The Boss in concert, or visit the Doctor Noize Forum to find postings by Lynn and her totally awesome daughter Claire. With years of experience in sales and administration at HP and the travel industry and an abundance of positive energy, Lynn’s exactly the kind of person I want representing Doctor Noize. I’ll strive to do her proud on all but one unspecified day of each week, when I retain the right to fail miserably as I see fit. Lynn and Claire are Noizemakers of the Month!

Thanks for yer support from yer buddy for life,

Doctor Noize

P.S. You can stop receiving the Noizeletter by responding with the protest: “Please remove me in solidarity with Dave, who should have been Noizemaker Of The Month.”
P.P.S. Or use the positive go-getter approach: Petitions for Dave to be a future Noizemaker Of The Month are now being accepted.

As many of you know, the guitarist of the Chris Isaak Band, Hershel Yatovitz, plays all the guitar parts on the Doctor Noize CD. We have done recording projects in the past together too. So that’s the connection. Hershel is a super duper swell guy and guitarist. The show is sold out, but he was kind enough to get the tickets and passes for us. I am hoping that Janette will find this so romantic that I will score… oh, sorry, this is a family blog. What I meant to say was “score a point for good husbanding, kids.”

Anyway, I have noticed a lot of you have been reading the blog lately, which is great. Also, I have noticed that there is one person who never reads the blog, and that’s my wife, because she can get all the info from me firsthand. So, for some reason, it amuses me to no end to post this surprise information on the web three days before I take her to the concert, knowing full well she’ll never learn about it before it happens… unless you tell her.

So don’t tell her, okay? Remember I have big plans for the evening…

Until next time,

Doctor Noize

Interviewing people about working for Pictoria Records has been an interesting experience. I have not been a “manager” since I was the high school Arts, Communication & Technology Department Head at Pinewood School in California. That was five years ago! (Yikes.) What the heck have I been doing since then? Well, a lot, but mostly flying solo in my endeavors. I feel a great sense of opportunity and relief that I will have a fantastic person working for me and booking my shows, because the workload has just become too much, and frankly always was. And I also feel a great sense of responsibility to do my job right and reward the faith that my B.S. Director is placing in me in deciding to take this job. I remember feeling even more accountable to perform my job at a high level after being a department head in my teaching career, and hiring the B.S. Director gives me a similar feeling. We will both be accountable to each other; we will both inspire each other to reach our full potential; and that is a good thing. It’s been five years since I was truly a member of an interdependent organizational team, and I am excited about it.

This is probably my last week of interviews for the job. Then I’ll pick somebody and move quickly forward. I have no doubt that I will be announcing an exceptional new Booking & Sales Director for Doctor Noize in the August Noizeletter, and that is very exciting. But wait, there’s more…

One of the candidates who applied for the job actually had such a good idea for another job working for Doctor Noize that she will be hired for that job instead. Got that? In other words, somebody conceived of a new and fantastically creative job in support of Doctor Noize, and thus she will fill that role from now on. In other words: If you create the job, you get the job. Creativity and innovation are wonderful thingz. So it turns out that there will be two, not one, new members of the Noize Team announced in the August Noizeletter.

Also… Backbone The Octopus and I went to see Lyle Lovett and His Large Band perform at Red Rocks Amphitheater outside Denver last weekend. What a fantastic band. What a fantastic venue. I don’t get out to see live music as much as I’d like to anymore. One day, when I don’t have two young kids and a young and busy new career, I will go to more shows again. Until then, I certainly enjoy the few I get to. If you get a chance to see Lyle and his Large Band perform, I suggest you take it.

Talk to you soon.

1) Download The New Doctor Noize Song For Free!

I was inspired by a fantastic teacher named Theresa Vayle to write a new song with a banana bunch of cool kids. My inspiration is summarized thusly (did I just write “thusly?”): Ms. Theresa is supercool. Theresa teaches my action/adventure superhero daughter Sidney three days a week. Sidney and her friends are heading on to kindergarten this year. A parent secretly suggested a party honoring Ms. Theresa, and the consensus was unanimous: Ms. Theresa rocks, baby. That meant one thing: Somebody needed to write a song about Ms. Theresa and the incredibly joyous and positive impact great teachers like her make on kids. The kids and I were all about that task. I played the instruments and mixed the song; the kids and I performed vocals. Enjoy Supercool Ms. Theresa!

2) Ms. Theresa Is The Noizemaker Of The Month!

Needless to say, Ms. Theresa is July’s Noizemaker Of The Month. So last month’s Doctor Noize Giving Back show was at the Creme de la Creme school in Lone Tree, CO at the party for her. She is a rugged individualist with her own absolutely unique and creative style, and an honorary member of The International Band Of Misunderstood Geniuses. My daughter comes home from school pumped up about all the learning, dancing, singing, curiosity and love that Ms. Theresa has instilled in her. Do you instill those qualities in others? If not, take a page from Ms. Theresa’s book and start today. Thanks Ms. Theresa!

3) Join The Noize Team!

Things are growing. It’s time for Doctor Noize to regain his independence and get to work producing The Return Of Phineas McBoof. So not unlike John McCain’s political team, it’s time for the annual shakeup. Pictoria Records’ Booking & Sales (B.S.) Director Cory Cullinan is being mercilessly fired. To let him down easy, we’re saying he’s been “reassigned.” He’ll be the new President & Marketing Director; The Bethinator is the PR Director; and You can be the new Booking & Sales Director. (Perhaps Bill Clinton is available for this position? He did so well selling Hillary.) Wanna join the Noize Team? You’ll be responsible for introducing new kids and families to fun, mind-expanding experiences; you’ll earn an above-industry-average percentage; and in the spirit of friendship and family that has always been the basis of this venture, you’ll stay part of the winning team as earnings continue to rapidly increase. The Booking & Sales Director will be hired this month; if you’re ready for some fun and purpose to go along with your income, contact now!

4) Proclaim Your Misunderstood Genius!

Even those who aren’t destined to join the Noize Team as the new B.S. Director can now officially join the International Band Of Misunderstood Genuises with the brand spankin’ new “I’m With The Band” line of clothing and merchandize. Specially designed by Doctor Noize artist extraordinaire Christian Lowe, it’s a fun and philosophical statement to everyone you meet.

5) I Love You!

Have I made that clear? Good. To prove it, here’s a funny story if you’re looking for laughs at my expense.

Thanks for yer support from yer buddy for life,

Doctor Noize

P.S. You can stop receiving the Noizeletter by responding with: “Ms. Theresa’s hot… You’re not!”
P.P.S. Don’t worry about saying this to me, because I’m rubber and you’re glue.

If you are inspired by Kaia and Brian as I am, and want to send a little something — ten dollars, ten thousand dollars, whatever floats your boat, Daddio — to Kaia’s education fund, you can send it directly to this address:

Stanford Credit Union
P.O. Box 10690
Palo Alto, CA 94303-0843

Checks should be made payable to Brian Emery with reference to sub-account “Syouthsub1.”

If money is not in the cards… then, in Kaia’s honor, just do something nice for a friend today. Nice is good. Everybuddy wins. Pass it on.

By popular demand, I have composed a fictitious press release below that brings tidy closure to all the false rumors swirling around about the breakup of The Wiggles and Doctor Noize’s incorporation into their band. For those whose focus deviates at the sight of long and/or multisyllabic words, let me be even more straightforward: Fictitious means false. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Saccharine Bay, Australia… Cory Cullinan, the much-ballyhooed “American Wiggle,” has been dismissed before performing his first concert with the band. Insiders report that in his very first closed-doors rehearsal as the new Wiggle, Cullinan hit a wrong note and muttered a cuss word under his breath (that’s “swear word” for you non-midwesterners). As per The Wiggles’ strict code of ethics both on and offstage, Cullinan was immediately and permanently shown the door. “Man, those guys are square,” was all he remarked to throngs of reporters as he left the Wiggles compound. In related and symbiotic news, recent ex-Wiggle Murray has rejoined his mates after a brief stint with his pet project. It seems the Bootie Cuties weren’t pulling in $50 million a year and Murray regained his senses. So all is now back to normal in the family music world, with both The Wiggles and Doctor Noize moving forward with their tours as previously planned. The show, as they say, must go on. — AP Wire Services

So that’s that. End of story. But if you’d like to hear about all the things that really did happen during my week as a Wiggle, click here.

As you may know, I studied a great deal of incredible classical music as a Music major at Stanford (and continue to study new fine art music on my own), I have conducted award-winning high school choirs, and I’ve attended countless incredible concerts by the San Francisco Symphony and Michael Tilson Thomas, one of the finest orchestra / conductor collaborations in the world. But the performance I recently witnessed at the Colorado Symphony (under the baton of another Bay Area native, Jeffrey Kahane) was right up there with MTT and the SFS playing Mahler’s 8th.

The performance demonstrated an absolute commitment to the music and a perfect synergy between conductor, symphony and a magnificently unified choir. It featured technically impeccable but emotional performances all around, and an incredibly innovative program: a great established master in Haydn followed by two — not just one — innovative and totally different pieces of music, showing the full range of the orchestra.

The only thing that was not impressive about the evening was the attendance — the hall was far less than half full. Take an evening off from your pop music or fun TV shows and GO SEE YOUR SYMPHONY. ESPECIALLY when they program such innovative, relevant and meaningful programs that move the performers and audience alike, as the Colorado Symphony Orchestra did at this performance. I was not alone in my appreciation of this event — the audience rose to its feet instantly after the final crashing note and burst into cheers and applause, visibly moved by the experience. From the light perfection of Haydn to the soul-baring, gut-wrenching genius of a composer raised under the stifling conditions of Soviet rule — don’t get so inundated by pop culture that you miss out on the finest technical and emotional artistry life has to offer you. Be a modern-day rebel and sometimes seek out something more than a three minute pop song or a thirty minute sitcom.

You’ll be glad you did. And please let me know when you come across something that really moves you, as “Styx” moved me. And no, I don’t mean the 70’s/80’s cheese rock band…

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.